What do you want to name your character?
[[Z->4]]Did you say: STEVE?
[[NO->6]]Fantastic. Let's. Fucking. Go.
[[Hell yeah->7]]Uhh, I think you meant to say Steve.
[[Nope->8]]God dammit, go fuck a duck.
[[Rude.->5]]You wake up in a cold-ass Los Angeles apartment. The sound of a horn whistles in the wind.
[[Go to the bathroom->9]]
[[Straight up leave, you unhygenic dort.->10]]You walk into the bathroom. Who the hell left all this uncooked pasta on the floor? You gingerly brush that grown wheat into the corner of the room, letting your anus do its business into your bidet-having toilet.
"Ahh," you say. "I got four days of stuff cooked up in there."
Now that you've released yourself, you decide to leave the apartment (without washing your hands, you unhygenic bastard)
[[Yikes.->10]]As you leave your apartment, you're immediately confronted with a barrage of potential possibilities. Being the SOCIAL MEDIA influencer you are, you can do anything with your day**! So, big boy, what's your decision?
[[Go talk to your best friend, Michael P. Falzone->11]]
[[Walk to the Valleyfolk office->12]]
[[Abandon your material lifestyle and move to Utah->13]]
*Note: jokeYou decide to abandon your material lifestyle and live a life of piety in the Utah desert.
As you drive on the I-dontgiveafuck, you think about what type of hermit you'll be.
[[Straight up roughing it->15]]You find a little cave, and spend years building a perfect replica of Hobbiton. With no friends or family to see it, you slowly realize that the time you spent on this project was a waste. You are sad, and also 51 years old. Yikes.
**You have found Ending 1.**
[[Go fuck yourself, Becca.->END]]The end!
Thanks for a-playing my game!
[[LET'S PLAY AGAIN!!!->7]]Living without any material possessions, you realize the true meaning of life: to live in every moment and feel every sensation. You then die from a lack of food, literally fifteen minutes later. How???
**You have found Ending 2.**
[[God dammit, Becca, you slimy crundernugget->END]]"Yo, what has been going up with you, my amazing pal-erino?" Mike, the greasy haired gremlin, says.
"Not much, you dang dude," you reply, sounding like two different people talking in unison.
"Well, until you got here I've just been sitting alone," Mike says.
"Okay," you say in response. "ANYWAY, How's Zoja?"
You realize why you only hang out with Mike while recording Dynamic Banter.
[[Hey, that's really rude to my good friend Mike->16]]
[[Nice, this is exactly how it is in real life->17]]Sorry Mike, I love you.
Mike straightens his [[seventeen ties->ADAM]] and says "Hey, that awkwardness? Just a joke between us two pals."
"Oh yeah, definitely a joke," you respond. There's an awkward silence for a few seconds.
"So, uh, want to record a Dynamic Banter?" Mike says.
"You're damn sure that I do," you reply.
[[RECORD DYNAMIC BANTER->18]]*Well, that ruins a lot of *my* sexual fantasies. #stikeforever.*
Anyway, Mike sits up and says "Please. Help yourself to a snack."
You walk to the fridge. You open the door. Staring at the inside of the refrigerator, all that stares back is a dark black void.
"Hey, Mike? Where's the food? I only see this big, deep black void," you say.
"The food? You are the food, my friend."
You're sucked into the black void.
**You have found Ending 3.**
[[Nice.->END]]Adam Gill 2020.
- Legalize towel porn
- Make America Snake Again
- Mandatory coatracks in every shower
- No more conditioner, just butter
- A pool table in every home!
- All non-white people have to shrink in size so that white people look taller.
- Women? No thank you.
[[I formally endorse Gill 2020->16]]"HELLO, everybody, and WELCOME to Dynamic Banter," you say as you play the theme tune TOO loud for human ears.
The episode is great. You make a really funny joke about a duck with a human mouth instead of a bill. Mike laughs way too hard at least thirty-nine times.
You read the advertisements. The first ad is for Mouth, a second mouth to replace your dirty old one. The second ad is for Tandythan's Breast Bombs, a bath bomb that smells like a mother's teat. The final ad is for Oscar, a human man.
[[Read a history road->19]]
[[Yell into the microphone for twelve minutes->20]]You walk into the Valleyfolk office.
"Hello, shiny men!" you yell out, somehow with a tinge of despair in your voice.
"Greetings my friend Steve," Elliott Morgan beeps.
"Well, howdy doo my friend," Joe says, beardily.
"Andrew Delman says hi," Lee says.
"I say hi," Andrew Delman says.
*Who do you say hi back to?*
[[Delman->25]]With the ads out of the way, it's time for History Road! You play the tune (the one with Owen choking in the background, of course), and open your e-mail to see what's poppin'.
"This history road comes to us from Rebecca Lastname..."
**You have found Ending 4 (the meta ending!).**
[[Nice circle, you wonderous rainbow scallion.->END]]You yell into the microphone for a solid twelve minutes. What the hell, man?
Even this is a little too much for your viewers. The next week, you get three podcast plays. You never recieve another sponsor. Instead of reading sponsors, you read children's books into the microphone. You're destitute.
**You have found Ending 5.**
[[They good books, at least?->21]][[Uhh, sure, man.->END]]Welcome to History Road: The Game!
[[BEGIN.->1]]"What's up, Elliott, my good friend," you speak in his general direction.
"Salutations, my scrappy confidante," Elliott communicated. "Did you hear the recent news?"
"Oh, what recent news?"
"Elvis is back."
"Hell yeah, that's fucking tight."
"Yeah, turns out he didn't die on his toilet, he was just hiding inside it."
"For forty years?"
"Hey, I'm just the messenger."
[[Listen to Elvis' new hit song->26]]
[[Eat a sandwich with your good friend Elliott->27]]You and your good friend go to the nearest AWE BOIN PAIN to eat a sandwich. The barista accidentally gives you three slices of bread instead of the doctor-recommended zero, but *zest la vie*.
As you speak to your good chum, he makes a noise so funny and hilarious that you choke on your sandwich, dying instantly.
"Well, this isn't *my* fault, avocado is a very chokable fruit," your friend says, before getting up and immediately digging your grave.
**You have found Ending 6.**
[[Avocad-ouch!->END]]Elliott opens his Lenovo Dunkus Pro and types the words "Elvis song" into Bing. Before he presses the video, the song starts blaring in full volume.
"Well, I *ain't* just a dude,
I'm also a friend.
I ain't just a *friend*,
but I'm also a dude.
I ain't *just* a dude,
I'm also *a* friend..."
This song goes on for thirty verses. The emphasis is on a different word each verse. It's not a good song.
"Huh," you say. "You know, maybe Elvis was never that good, anyway."
**You have found Ending 7.**
[[You ain't nothin' but a hound dog, Becca.->END]]"Delman?" you say. "Why are you here in the Valleyfolk office?"
"Actually," he says. "There's something important we need to talk about. Are you willing to join me on a mystery?"
[[Change the subject and go eat a sandwich->27]]
[[Jump in on his mystery game->28]]"Alright," you say. "I'm curious, and YOU, sir, have peaked my interest. What's this mystery you speak of?"
"Well," Delman says, "It's a long story. Do you want the long of it or the short?"
[[The long about it->29]]
[[The big short->30]]You and Andrew Delman walk the streets of Los Angeles, before coming across a record store. A sign hangs outside the door of the store, reading "Uncle Slambo's Joshery Shop". Andrew walks inside, and you follow.
A woman with a nametag reading "Auntie Umbrella" tattooed onto her bare chest greets you with a grunt.
"Hey, beautiful," Delman says, slightly too close to her ear. "You got any of that Bowie news?"
"Yeah," she says, somehow sounding like a car tire. "Basement."
Andrew opens the door to the basement, and is immediately bathed in a neon green light. You follow him down the stairs.
A mysterious voice speaks out. "Hey."
"Who are you?" you say, nervous as a gazelle on a Monday. "Are you... David Bowie?"
"No, idiot," the mysterious voice responds. "I'm Uncle Slambo. My name is on the fucking sign."
"Then what's the deal with all this green light?" Andrew asks.
"Oh, it's nothing." Suddenly, Andrew reaches towards Uncle Slambo and removes a MASK! It's David Bowie!
David Bowie pulls out a gun and shoots you both. "No one can know. No one. Can know."
[[**You have found Ending 8.**->END]]"Have you heard of Donald Trump?" Andrew Delman implores.
"Well, not really, who is he?"
"President or whatever. ANYWAY, I think we can both agree that his election was *pretty* weird."
"Still don't know who he is, but alright."
"Ugh." Andrew Delman is not impressed with your gag. "I am not impressed with your gag. Do you remember what year Trump was elected?"
"2016, I'm guessing. You know, 2016 and onwards, everything has felt really weird and out of place. Is it just me?"
"No, I *get* it," Andrew exclaims. "As a matter of fact, that's exactly what I've been investigating."
"Yeah. It turns out, all the weird shit that's been going on started right after the death of David Bowie."
"I knew that gay man had something to do with this."
"Here's the thing," Andrew says. "David Bowie didn't die. He *ascended* to godhood. It turns out, when a musician is really really good at what they do, they become gods. Like Ella Fitzgerald, or Nickleback."
"Nickleback are gods? But they're not good."
"They're good at what they do, which is being bad. Anywhosel's, he's been controlling the world from behind the scenes since his ascension."
"Just like a jew!"
"Damn, Steve, you're super fucking prejudiced. You need to see a therapist. Anyway, we need to find David Bowie and take him down."
[[Actually, I give up, let's just get a sandwich->27]]
[[Let's do it, baby cakes!->31]]"Basically," A.P. Delman begins, "Notice how, since 2016, everything's been feeling weird and out of place? Well, there's a reason for that. David Bowie didn't die, he *ascended*, and has since been controlling the world. We need to find him and take him down."
[[Actually, I give up, let's just get a sandwich->27]]
[[Let's do it. For America!->31]]Joe and his long, masculine beard walk over to you. "Hello there, Stephen," he says, muscularly.
"Hey, Joe, what's the haps?"
"Well, Steve," Joe says, with a voice the size of a thousand men. "I've actually been thinking about... shaving my beard."
You scream a loud man scream. "SHAVING YOUR BEARD?!?!?!?!? NOOO, that's my favorite part of you!"
"I know, and I know how much you like feeling it too. But, as with all things (except Cher), it's time for this beard to go into the sunken place."
"I understand." :(
"Hey, but, uh... would you like to help me shave it off?"
**You have found Ending 9 (the fanfiction ending!).**
[[Yum yum!->END]]"Hey, Lee!" You yell out way too loud. Come on, dude, she's like three feet away.
"Hi, Steve! Did I ever tell you the story about how I got my dog?" She asks you this every day. She starts talking about crackheads until you cut her off.
You try to change the subject. "--Uh, yeah, so, what's going on in Lee Newton's life?"
"Wellllll, I've been getting ready for Christmas."
"Lee, it's literally May 17th."
"Never too early to start! Anyway, can you, like, help me out?"
[[Help Lee save Christmas->32]]
[[Don't->33]]As you help Lee set up her apartment for Christmas, you hear a knock on her door. It's SANTA! He's there to present you with the award for "Earliest Christmas Decorations"! But, right as you go to open the door, he suddenly has a heart attack and dies.
You are Santa Claus now.
**You have found Ending 10.**
[[Ho ho hoooo!->END]]You immediately die from a lack of Christmas spirit. When Lee's love for Christmas revives you, the doctor says that you'll never be able to walk again.
Turns out, when you're a naughty boy, Santa takes your legs. It used to be coal, but now that everyone's naughty, the stakes had to be raised. Why do you think so many WWI veterans lost their legs? Adultery.
**You have found Ending 11.**